Swimming Chronicals 4

I am restless and the kind who can leave well alone so after the morning session of the swimming pool I am determined to do a bit of extra study (in this case practise).I join a friend who is a decent swimmer and off we go.The pool is full of young men in their twenties,middle aged men and a few old men along with a smattering of women (all of whom know how to swim).Now at the best of times,no one will attempt to talk to me(I am one of those grim faced woman who come across as unapproachable) but on the rare occasions that I choose to smile,its triggers all kinds of things.For them I attract unsolicited attention,conversations with strange men and advice of all kinds from people who would normally keep their opinions to themselves.Unfortunately I am at my vulnerable best in the pool so a smile crosses my face and from then on its downhill all the way.I went to the pool to practise my strokes and some breathing (my attempts at being a goldfish are not very rewarding).Now I have a man who has taken it upon himself to give me a lesson on physics.He tells me what happens when my head goes under water,he then goes on to tell me that my breathing sucks and that I have a long way to go and if I was thinking of being a swimmer well that was not going to happen (I didn't ask for his opinion but am too polite to say so).He goes off to the other end and I swim (or rather attempt) the small lap and try breathing.By then a 75 year old gent is at my side wanting to know how old I am.When the answer doesn't sound too attractive he tells me that I have a long way to go in the breathing department (like I don't know).My friend thankfully rescues me from both men and stands guard as i make feeble attempts to co ordinate arms,legs ,lungs and brain.Its all too much this orchestra especially for someone like me who is tone deaf,has no understanding of physics and am in no mood to listen to some men in the swimming pool.I put my grim face back,no smiles now just breath.My friend then teaches me how to float on my back (friends are friends because the know what will make you happy) and suddenly the world looks like a much better place.The clouds are beautiful,my body relaxes and I can enjoy the water.I could fall asleep like this except that I have a nasty feeling my brain may shut down and the body make get ideas of its own (I am no longer master of my body and soul).So I wait till my chief adviser goes back to the other end do a few more laps,get more water into my lungs than air and then decide to call it a day.My friend told me that I seem to puff out my cheeks when going into swim and somewhere my brain takes in this information and thinks that there is something there.I come home and practise my breathing again.Now after many attempts there is that eureka moment......finally I have discovered why I take in water and not air.I haven't even been breathing in the first place,just holding my breath and pretending.I think I may have found the solution to my problems but to check it out i have to wait another night.