April is the cruelest month

April is the cruelest month wrote t s Eliot and it sure was one for us. As April began so did the heat,from the first week to the next the searing heat intensified into a heatwave across the south with madras being by far the coolest hovering between 39-40degrees c. It was also a month when my mother turned 85. Eighty five holds untold terrors for me. At 85 my father had a stroke and a man who was very much master of his life,grew old and grey overnight,his memory at odds with him,struggling to maintain his sense of ease and for me that age will always remain a frightening prospect. Small wonder then that I wanted to indulge my mother,something I never managed with my father and which to this day makes me feel guilty,but as I can't change the past I decided to control the present. My sisters were informed that it was a special day(something they should have known for themselves but one can never depend on my siblings to do much about it,hence the reminders). Miracles do happen and both turned up as promised (I neve take their promises too seriously ,they being infamous for breaking them,actually just one of them but then...) and my mother was super delighted. Our ex cook also turned up and cooked up a storm which made things a lot easier( my mother at best of times refused to exit the front door so all celebrations must come to her).

In the midst of all the happiness was great sorry. One of the cousins,the one who help everyone of the cousins on my moms side together,who was the fountain of all news....suffering from cancer she was on her last legs and as April came along I was mentally prepared for her death. But it's never easy especially to think of a brave woman (who in the face of suffering,could still crack jokes and keep us amused) dead at 63. We believed she had more years left but that was not to be and two days before my mothers birthday she passed away. To keep a grip on grief and to pretend that all is well,isn't easy either but knowing my mothers fragile psychological state,I kept the news for until after her birthday. The rest of the month passed in sadness. There was a wedding which wasn't talked about much,coming as it did soon after the death. The heat took over my sadness and as i wilted and suffered through the days,I did stop to count my blessings. I was happy that the birthday went off as it did,I was glad that the heat was not as bad as it was in the other states,I was happy that despite the heat the mangoes ripened and the market was full of fruit.

As May is on us I wait for the dog days to begin. 21 days of relentless heat is what I am in for and every year it gets worse,and every year my friends and I mourn about it like its something new and by the end of it we learn to adapt and forget as the weather turns .