Saving marriages

We have been married for a dozen years and been friends for longer so after knowing the husband for some nineteen odd years,one gets used to certain comforts.Its almost like we can finish sentences for each other,we can think alike decide what to do without worrying about what the other will think.Some folks might find this boring,some people will find this non exciting.So what do I think.Well why am i writing this.Simply because we have far too many friends who are on to second marriages some disaster stories some just sad and sometimes just sometimes there are stories that make me worry,make me sad because there are nice people who took the trouble to understand each other and loved each other and suddenly its all over.It scares me when I see couples with children,happy families that break up suddenly for no reason at all.Does one take sides,does one have to choose who one will be friends with when they split up.Does one need to take the trouble to talk to them,counsel them try to get them back together.I am not sure.At what point does one know that its all over,is it sudden death or a gradual drifting away.I know of perfectly nice men who tell me they are so busy providing for wife and kids that they don't have personal time.I know they mean well but ask the mentioned wife and kids and they probably would be happier with his time than his money.Wives who play roles that they think is what they is expected of them...finally its about making time for the little things,watching a movie,having a conversation,going for a walk or just having a nice roaring fight and making up later.Life is all about the small things,nothing is complicated unless we want to make it so.But how do we come to such conclusions,how do we save a marriage.I don't know and I pray that i wont have to make such choices.For me its still the little things and i hope to stay that way but i wish i could convince some of my friends about this.

Mosquito tennis

Sports-never has been and never will be my strong point,yet over the last few years I have had the misfortune of suffering from tennis elbow.Now how could someone with no sense of tennis or co ordination get into such a situation.Well the answer lies in the life that is in Chennai.For as long as we can remember tennis was a passion for most people as was cricket.The ATP tour comes to Chennai every Jan and we all troop like good pilgrims to the stadium and eat and cheer and do everything like good tennis lovers.Now tennis is an expensive game and not everyone can become an accomplished player but if your are like me then over time (in fact in a very short time) you could become a great player.My backhand has improved so much as has all other aspects of my game.And this is the new trend in Chennai.Its called mosquito tennis.Now this is not funny and remember just as in the actual game here the target is always on the move,can cover vast areas of space which means one has to swing ones bat over a large radius.Keep your eye on the mosquito and make sure all returns of serve are accurate.They come in hoards and everyone and his uncle in Chennai own a bat.Its the hottest selling piece of Chinese equipment that flies off the shelves.Mosquito is almost ready to be included into the commonwealth games.After all didn't malaria come from Africa and India and didn't the mosquito spread it?.I practise every day from 5pm till dinner time and that's a lot of hours of practise to clock.There is no time for ball change,court change etc.This is in real time and this is the fast and furious.Remember the ball (in this case the mosquito) can cause serious damage.Now most kids in Chennai are born with a mosquito bat in their hands.Gone are the days of the silver spoon,nothing and nobody is spared.So if your wondering why Chennai produces all the best known tennis stars in India remember its largely due to a long dirty river,stagnant water and the ever present mosquito who fires our first and best interests in Tennis..

Cattyness

Do I love animals?,perhaps I do but not sure if I can handle the responsibility of bringing up a domestic creature.Very much like children everyone tell me....well I don't have children and tremble with fear at the thought of having any and then bringing them up in today's world.So what was I thinking when I got involved with a cat.Strangely he landed up in our building some two months ago a tiny piece of goods,abandoned by his mother and in search of food.Now cats are not my favourite animals and like a lot of people i have reservations about them.Unfortunately I also have a heart that melts easily and the sight of the poor creature was too much to ignore.A saucer of milk and the kitten was happy,more milk followed and before I knew it he had a name and a personality,I then graduated to giving him fish.He loved it and would show his appreciation by climbing on to my shoulder and biting my ears.We played endlessly at all times of the day and he got used to me ,the building and its people.We all collectively fell in love but I was the worst hit.He knew how to press all the right buttons.Unfortunately he had to be a building cat as I lack the discipline to bring up a kitten and the husband doesn't like to have animals in the house (a battle that i am fast loosing,especially when the choice is husband or animal).He managed well and we all fell into our own ways of dealing with our lives and him until one unfortunate day we pest controlled the house and our poor kitten was poisoned.Thankfully that soft heart of mine also has a brain that can think,so before we knew it he was being rushed to the vet and then brought home to stay in our balcony and be looked after day and night.None of us including the vet expected him to make the night but survive he did and slowly he got better.House painting was on the cards and we couldn't expose our already vulnerable kitten to more toxins so we called a friend who is a major cat person and she took him home with a promise to bring him back when we had the house back.Now the big question is what the time frame it takes for a street kitten to become a house pet.Not much I would say and when he came back I realised he was no longer fit to be a building cat.He was far more comfortable on my lap,on the cushion and was not happy being outside,trying very hard to come home so the long and short of it was that in all his distress he was sent back to the comfortable home that he had gotten used to for ten days.Will he continue to stay there or will he be sent to someone else is antibody's guess.Am I sad?,well yes and no.I cried my lungs out when i said goodbye the first time,this time its a sense of loss but one part of me says that if I cant give him a home,then I have no business to keep him.All I can hope and pray for is a good home and loving people because he is a wonderful animal and he captured my heart and if I continue to fall in love again in the same way very soon bits of my heart will be all over the place.Confused,and in love....well don't the two always go together....such is like...

The inland letter

I had spent a lot of time yesterday (like many other days) talking to friends on phone,chatting on chat and so on and at the end of the day I was left wondering what I was left with.Let me explain...of course there is a chat history that one can go back to,there are ways to store sms messages for a long time,but in the face of all this technology(which I am a great fan of) I missed the old inland letter and the postcard and the aerogram of the Indian Postal Service.I grew up in a time when cell phones didn't exist and the land line was a symbol of affluence (it was the most difficult thing to get with long waiting lists).When school closed for the holidays we had to take a bus and visit friends within the city.To keep in touch with those far away we bought inland letters in bulk and filled every available space with news of our day to day happenings,we mentioned all the time how much we missed our friends.To those friends in far flung countries,we sent air mail letters.It was fun shopping for the thinnest letter paper as the price of postage went up with the weight so we filled pages of onion skin paper (always in pink and blue shades) and posted them and waited for a reply.Considering that we used normal post (couriers were unheard of in those days) chances are that it took a while to get a reply.Our mornings were spent waiting for the post man who happened to bring smiles all around.I don't remember so much junk mail or bills arriving.It was always letters from grandparents,friends and some times a post card.I used this means of communication for years,even after I had started working.I still remember all those letters that boyfriends or some special friends sent(I preserved the ones I thought were special).I tied them all together with pink satin ribbons and kept them long after those relationships died and were forgotten.When my mother decided to clean up the attic i still remember the box of letters she handed to me saying it was time to burn them.There were at least ten bunches.I read them all again,after many years,and the memories were sweet and sometimes sad.I marvelled at the childishness of some of the letters,the sentiments of the others and the silliness of some more.I remember how sad I felt at burning them,they were memories of a lifetime but then they were of no use anymore,so I burned them all.Today I look around for those recorded memories,things to go back to,to recollect and I find nothing.Of course I find it easier to keep in touch,I know I am a lot more updated on what my friends do but all said and done I still love the way the odd Christmas card arrives,the day someone sends me a birthday card and all this despite the fact that sms messages come on all significant days.Call me sentimental but a personal letter cant be replaced by chat or sms or phone calls however easier or convenient they may be.Somethings are just irreplaceable

New year

what is it about atmosphere and expectations.Thirty first of December is just another day followed by the first of Jan,but despite that we treat it so differently.There is something in the air,expectations of many dreams to come true,the feeling of deep depression for the things past and for the pains that await us as life passes on to another year.I told myself that i would take it in my stride just like any other day,but I refused to see the doctor despite being a bit under the weather because i don't want to start the new year with medication,I am feeling sad because someone i know is dying and i know how that felt two years ago.The memory being too fresh.I look forward in anticipation of good things to come.I know that on the second of Jan everything will settle back into routine,but i still can figure what it is about this day that brings together such conflicting emotions.Why do we feel the need to be with loved ones on Christmas and new year,why do we want to party with our friends,why do we make that fancy lunch (this time my fridge is empty,because i want to be different)and why do we make the effort to be different on this day.The end of the year and the beginning of a new one,but we see so many beginnings and so many ends.....I wonder if i will ever get to feel that this day is just another one....and while i am on it i may as well tell you that resolutions have never been my strong point but i shall make one.....not to lend my books to friends who refuse to return them and on that note here's to a great year ahead

the year that way

Its almost the end of the year and as one more year rolls by and as we get a year older I like looking back and taking stock of the year that was.When we started 2009 I remember the husband telling me that this would be a good year.We had left behind sickness and death of 2008 and were looking forward to a year of less stress and more happiness.It started well with the house being full of guest and so much of fun and noise.My sisters stay meant that the husband and I were able to be off on some outing or the other which we find relaxing.It was also a year when the husband followed in my footsteps and gave up full time work.After a year of seeing each other in airports or on the weekend,this was a great time for us to be back in each others company.If we had any apprehensions of being under each others feet,then well it wasn't to be.Over months we found our little place in the scheme of things and it was comforting to just have him around.All his financial planning for our joint retirement paid off.We took off to the UK at the spur of the moment(unlike most people who plan in advance)for three weeks for a great holiday.We didn't have to worry about asking for leave,we didn't have to come back to the stress of corporate life and the feeling of freedom and happiness give the holiday a different twist altogether.Our unexpected visit to Scotland and meeting up with an old friend (who never stays in touch and whom we had given up as lost) were memories we shall always cherish.My sister who normally is expected in December,decided to come back in august so another long drive to Bangalore became possible.We had sold our trophy car earlier this year and despite what everyone else said we thought it was a wise decision.Not having to live up to an image meant that the small car served us well and it gave me a chance to drive on the highway(i am so nervous with big cars that i have been a passenger on highways so far).Bangalore also helped me to acquire a new skill.After all these years i mastered cycling and enjoyed going around my sister in laws community colony with the wind blowing in my hair and the feeling of being on air.

Some concerns of my mothers health existed when she fractured her shoulder but with the care and time we can give her now its all worked out.She is back in the kitchen (a place she is most happy at) and the food she churns out has the husband hankering about me writing a book.Seeing the movie Julia and Julia only makes him believe his wife is the future Julia child.Well perhaps in the next year.I managed to do many interesting jobs this year,and find that the lack of routine give me the chance to explore what i really like to do.Towards the end of the year we had our friends visit us with their kids.Considering we haven't seen them for at least ten years this was a great time to catch up and regroup with plans to meet more often.Our niece and here children are back in India and the husband has enjoyed playing with the kids who talk nineteen to the dozen.

When the Christmas tree is up and the house reverberates with Christmas carols,i realise its time to give thanks for a year of joy and happiness,of a new chapter in our live,for the joy of having our mother with us and seeing her do well,to have our friends visit us,to see that after all the time the husband and i spent together this year has been a great learning time and we hope the next year brings more happiness

The Eco project

some of us like to believe that we are socially responsible,environmentally friendly but are stoped dead in our tracks by red tape and bureaucracy.Is this an excuse for inaction or just the cynic in us talking.I have long been a great out door person in love with flora and fauna.My contribution to climate change and global warming is to create a little green space in a balcony that can only accommodate my plants and me provided i hold my breadth.I have expanded my plant collection to the terrace and have collected all my kitchen waste to create compost for my garden to be sustainable.But having said that I have don't very little for the community and environment i live in.I have long fantasied about working as a gardener or with the world wild live association to be close to animals.All that like i mentioned remained a pipe dream.I seriously believed that this could only happen if i lived in Europe or in the hills of India.Today at 10 am which is early by my standards,i dragged myself off to a meeting of civic groups who are concerned about the environment.I met people who have been doing work in the city and good work at that despite the many hurdles that have come their way.I walked around the adyar poonga(which i didn't know existed) the once hotbed of vice and now a haven for migrating birds and fish.Mangrove trees have been planted in the salty areas,spaces to sit and enjoy the breeze and there are people who are actively involved in technology updates for the environment,audits of birds and trees and community and student groups who network for best practices.I discovered that my long lived ambition of being a gardener can happen if i volunteered to this project.I could plant trees,and learn more.I can then join like minded groups to study wild life birds etc and to explore the great outdoors within my city.I spent at least five hours in this place listening to the things that various groups have been able to achieve.I saw first hand the development that is happening and met a whole bunch of interesting people.Needless to say i came back home with my eyes wide open.There is action on the ground and i can be a part of it.So i am looking forward to the next step and hope to be part of the movement.It made me realise that i need to make time to explore the city i live in and to network with the people and projects that are truly after my own heart.Dreaming and not doing is an excuse which i cant afford to hide behind any more.Will it work?....well i am not sure but like its said nothing ventured,nothing gained right?

That green tea experience

The world is full of people tasting cheese,wine tea,luxury etc and everyone adds their own mystery to the thing on hand.I watch people describe wine in glowing terms,they talk of fruit,flowers woody and they then go into detail of the kind of fruit and flowers.Honestly while all that is fine,I wonder how much is dictated by geography.For instance,if one lives in Europe then wont they know the sent of different flowers the flavours of fruit native to that country?.If you told me the wine tasted of oak and peat i would blink simply because i have no clue what an oak smells like or peat for that matter,but tell me the wine tastes like jack fruit or mango and i would then know how to distinguish a good wine from a bad one.Cheese the same thing,the cows in France eat grass of a different quality,how am i to identify the taste,and frankly speaking i don't trust the people in my country who claim to be experts,one simply has to live in wine and cheese producing countries for a longish period to understand.So whats my point really?.Well today i tasted a green tea from china.Now the east is pretty similar in geography so i don't feel clueless.Having spent many a holiday on tea estates I can with a fair degree of knowledge talk of tea.This packed of tea was given to me by a friend who visited china.The leaves were tightly packed and looked like dried flowers.I boiled some hot water,threw in some tea leaves and let it infuse.After a few minutes I poured out the tea.The leaves by now has unwound themselves and looked more like neen leaves but the flavour was what took me by surprise.It kind of burst into multiple flavours in my mouth.Suddenly i was transported to rain drenched paddy fields,damp attics which hold unlimited potential for food and treasures,it tickled my senses and i could smell flowers.Its strange,this was my taste buds speaking but my nose seemed to be communicating with my mouth and jasmine,rose and some familiar but unknown flavours were mingling in my mouth.It was a sublime experience,this was what the wine experts talk about,here i was drinking green tea and i could see the hills,smell the damp earth and taste the air and the fragrances all just in one cup of tea.Its then that i realised how important geography was to all this mystery.Kerala and tea estates,long lost memories of childhood very similar to cultures of Chinese villages.So there is no mystery to taste ultimately its a question of experience,of countries explored and of food adventures undertaken.I went back to my green tea again after dinner and once again it was back.This is why food and drink and so much a part of who i am.It is an expression of who one is....

gym tales

She works out with a vengeance.Fat oozes from every pore and she runs cycles and looks famished.I had to know what she did so some gentle questions later i realise that she has been ripped off.She is on a diet that consists of fruits one day,horse gram another and bread on another.No tea or coffee.And the poor thing has lost weight and is tired.Consider this....lets suppose she does loose a few kilos.....can you believe living a life on pulses grams and fruits(not the tasty ones by the way).I would image that its better to be fat and happy than be thin and hungry.After all if there is only one life why not enjoy it.Oh but then i haven't told you the other side.She feeds on pizza(not the Mediterranean variety mind you),fast food of the likes of KFC and MC Donald's.Ghee and lots of rice and generally ever thing that one shouldn't be eating or at least eating in moderation.Unfortunately she is young and didn't have the fun that someone of my age has had.Good home cooked food,lots of climbing trees and playing in the sun and not putting on any weight till the big 4.Sad but true.This is progress and i cant help but feel a big smug that at my age i can afford to have a bit of the middle age spread.Thank god it came only in middle age and not before

The fat and thin of it

Discipline,not one of my strong points(mind you i have very few of them...strong points i mean)but then again,its been two years now and i have i must admit been rather regular at the gym.Two reasons,one sheer guilt(when one shells out that kind of money,guilt will follow),the other is that i can enter shops try out clothes and no go into depression(never mind that i am visiting plus size shops).To be so regular is new to me,but then again the papers and tv are so full of good health exercise,diet and what have you that i could give a lecture of the power of exercise and one would believe i am an expert.Unfortunately,like all things intangible,there are no rights and wrongs or so it seems.So one day they tell me to tuck my stomach in(very important for a good work out).What they don't tell you is that if ones stomach arrives before the rest of the body,then chances are that no amount of tucking in is going to make a difference.I never know if the stomach is tucked in because there is too much to tuck.Well when i protest loudly they tell me not to worry,it seems that the body stores fat around the stomach.No one bothers to tell me why some of the real big built woman in other parts of the world don't have the same problem(marks and spencers have gad jets or rather inner wear to deal with this problem).The solution however according to one trainer is to do ab crunches or exercises for the stomach.I try and try and get out of breadth.When that fails the next girl tells me that increase in cardio exercises will burn fat and therefore the stomach will disappear.So i run and jump and row and horror or horrors,the stomach which looked like it was on the verge of disappearing.....actually came back.Now unfortunately the smart trainers at the gym have worked on my upper body and lower body.They always leave the difficult parts(middle) to the end.And now i am left with skinny legs,muscular arms(i can put weightlifters to shame) and a stomach that arrives in a room a few hours before the rest of the body.Is this a bad situation or just plain funny.The jury is still out on that one.Unfortunately i have signed up for another year(thanks to one of those limited offers)and i wonder now what i will look like a year down the line.Honestly for the kind of money i spend trying,i might as well head to London,invest in one of those smart pieces of clothing which actually make one look slim and be done with it.And to think i developed discipline in the process.Guess like they say,there are some clouds with silver linings...huff and puff

mothers and daughters

My mother has this standard saying every time i argue with her,that when i reach her stage in life i will understand.I keep telling her that's not true but of late i have been forced to keep quiet.I have seen it and realise that she is so right.I have a reasonably close knit family but some of us tend to be detached.But as we reach each stage in life I see history repeating itself.One of my sisters is the totally detached type or at least projects that image,and she is the first of us to be going through the stages that my mother has already experienced.To see her with her grandchildren is a study in contrast to the mother she was.With her own children I remember my mother nagging her about attention,attending to the children's needs and them exchanging different points of view on parenting and agreeing on very few.My mother on the other hand indulged her grandchildren to the level of making them spoilt brats (only when they were in her house).Full circle now and I see the differences in my sisters interactions with her daughter and grand children.She is like my mother an indulgent grandmother but unlike my mother who rode rough shod over her daughters rules,to establish her own grandmother rules,my sister is a silent spectator to her daughters rules.The rules being so strict that in the long run,these very children will never experience the enriching experience of being grand children in an Indian environment.Not for them the pampering and spoiling,not for them the breaking of rules with grandparents.But the bright side to this is that my sister has probably become closer to her mother.I see the change,suddenly she calls a lot more,she spends a lot more time with her mother and the bonds are so much closer.Did it take a parents death,the process of moving on to the next stage in life,the relationship of her own daughter being around....what was it that changed.My mother obviously has here basics right.Her daughter is going through what she went through at that age and together they have experiences to share.Do we tell her daughter all this or do we wait for her to realise that there are times in life that cannot be relived.Do we tell her that it takes maturity to be able to bend the rules depending on the situation without loosing out on basic discipline.Do we draw attention to the hurt one sees in peoples faces when those rules are enforced so ruthlessly.Or do we just wait for her to reach that stage and realise that life is about flexibility,its about enjoying the moment?.I stand on the sidelines and watch at changing rules of relationship and somewhere i see a loss of spontaneity,of a free life and at the same time the gains of a closer relationship.Like all things in life there are two sides to everything and its just possible that mothers always know whats right for you....

Awards and the men

The big news is that Barack Obama won the Nobel prize for peace and half the world is divided on weather he deserves it or not.I think its a good thing that there is so much debate,it means that much as we admire him we still have the objectivity notice when someone is overrated.But having said that,what are awards all about.Take for instance the awards given for movies,entertainment and corporate excellence.How many of those are really well deserved.In the final analysis its not so much what you achieve but what the world at large thinks you have achieved.This is done by saying all the right things,being constantly in the lime light,marketing oneself to the people who matter and if you don't do all of that,it doesn't matter how brilliant one is.Why do we get so worked up anyway,we ought to be used to it by now,after all the world has been this way for as long as i can remember.We play to the gallery.Of course the debate will keep the media around the world buzzing until they get the next big story.Lessons to be learnt early and if Obama award comes too soon,lets hope that he is man enough to understand that and up his time frames a bit.Sometime there are good things that come out of every situation.That will be the noble thing to do

The kitchen goddess

Some days the whole mood is one of a rush hour kind of job,i am suddenly all motivated and ready to move but then again its almost always in the head and in dreams.We had the most wonderful beef fry for lunch,made by the mother who is a bit of a master chef.Now having lived with her almost all my life,its natural that i am her only student.Everyday we make the most ordinary but tasty food and everything is a memory of some sort.Chicken brings back my dad lessons on how to kill and dress a chicken.I was fascinated by the blood and gore but he believed that unless we dressed a chicken ourselves we would never appreciate its true taste.Like wise many other things come back to mind.Now the husband is a powerhouse of ideas so he insists that i write a book in collaboration with the mother.Is there an idea there,sometimes i think there is.After all if its interesting to someone like him (who hasn't the faintest idea of cooking) then there probably a big idea there.He insists that i need to do some research,write a recipe a day along with all the little bits that are interesting.Now is that how everyone starts,i honestly don't know but am truly tempted to give the idea a thought.It may change my life and my mothers.It may be interesting and if it doesn't become a book,it will still be on record long enough for me to become as good as my mother who is a kitchen goddess of sorts

Worshiping dependence

Dependence,a trait we worship.In my family as in many other Indian families,this is considered a virtue.Parents believe its their birthright to be looked after by children,and children believe that parents are there to provide for everything.We are taught from an early age to be helpless,so none of us are taught to do all the basic household work,cook clean etc because there are servants to do it or as in the case of men,there are mothers and sisters to do all the dirty work.Which is why when we go abroad we are all at sea for a few months.In any of our cities,we will be forced to ask for directions,(there are no maps and signboards are not self explanatory)and we always look for human contact.What this does in the long run is to make us not take responsibility for our lives.Most woman will depend on parents and then on husbands and then on their children.Men will depend in quiet the same way.Now comes the big issue.Suddenly we find ourselves old and helpless(not in the physical sense).The children leave home and the parents are at a loose end,and then start all the medical problems,the loneliness and so on.My mother is a classic example.All her life she depended on my father despite all the grumbling of how bad a husband he was.Now she depends on me so my otherwise shrewd and intelligent mother will act completely helpless when she is out of the house.She will stare blankly at the doctor,refuse to tell him her symptoms or problems and generally act so stupid that I worry that she is loosing her mind.She will react slowly to my high decibel instructions and generally give me the jitters.Finally when we arrive home,the same woman will take control,her step will become more confident,she will get into the kitchen and cook a meal,and generally run the house.The long and short of it is that she really believes that all decisions outside of the kitchen (even if its related to her life) have to be made by me.I have been handed the responsibility and that's it.How different from another cousin who at 73 is busy winning medals at all senior citizen events,who plays tennis for two hours everyday and is generally as busy as any of us.Take for instance another lady who is currently in the hospital,very much in control of her life,despite having three children(who are not in the country) but who believes that she is quiet capable thank you very much.She has no choice so she has taken charge of her life.My mother is hardly a minority.There are so many woman like her in this country to whom dependence makes them old before their time,who set themselves up for disappointment,who refuse to take charge and believe there is life outside of the house,things to do after the husband passes on and a life to live again.Call it what you will but i find the whole set up sad and a waste of good human resources.But they cant be blamed either,our country is not geared to look after old people,we do not believe that they should have a life after 70 so we don't give them the infrastructure,or the emotional support to take charge.I look at ageing populations in the west and think we need to learn and learn fast.Youth will not be eternal

Giving it all up

Its happened again,one of my friends of many years decided to give up a promising career and become a home bird.Her excuse….well she has moved on to the next phase in life.Most people think she is crazy to give it all up and in a city where you are defined by the company you keep,this couldn’t have been easy but it shows strength of character and courage.She is one in a line of many men and woman who have given up a corporate career after some twenty odd years,to either do something on their own or to just stop and smell the roses so to speak.Ofcourse everyone tells us that we will hate it after a while,that there are so many good years left etc etc.I ask myself if this is true and the answer is not in black and white.Infact the answer if there is one is all about what suits one at any given time.Do we lack ambition?.I doubt it.Infact I think we are so ambitious that we choose to pursue the things that matter in this life.We realise that quiet often life is lived in blocks,so we pass on as students to working people,to parenthood,marriage and all those many roles that some or all of us play.It brings a certain skill to each role,so at one point in life we work on all of them,we learn to multitask and run around like there is no tomorrow and that’s because these are the years when we can afford to do these things,when our energy levels are at their hightest,when all we think of is getting there and arriving in style.Then we get to our goals and we also realise that in life,there are moments to be enjoyed without looking over ones shoulder to other responsibilities,we have reached a certain position in our work life,we may have made some decent investments and packed off a bit for retirement but we haven’t reached that age as yet.We are too young to retire and too old to run around with fuel in our bellies.Now it’s a smouldering fire and like a slow roasted meal,we want to slow down,we need to do things at our pace,we need that freedom to decide what we want to do in the next stage.Its not easy to arrive at this point because the conveyor belt never stops.We need to know where to get off.Yes we do get bored,we do have our moments when we question it all but then again,we did that in the last phase too so nothings new.The roar has settled down and we smoulder with other need,other wants and other things to do.Some of us think we are giving it up for our children,or for out old parents,but lets not pretend,we really do it for our selves,we do it because some times in life the children and the old people become important for us.We do it because we feel a sense of responsibility,we also do it because at the end of the day it makes us better human beings,its gives us our new project,it revitalises out life and we do it because like all ambitious people we have to be in the thick of everything.We cant go through life just satisfied with one phase.This is who we are and this is why we give it all up when we feel the time is right for us.It takes courage but life is always lived best when we have the courage to follow our inner voices.This is dedicated to all those like minded people who did what I did and live to tell their tale.

Hermit....me?

I am cut out to be a hermit or so I think.The point is that right now i am more than happy with the limited human contact that i have.It has its advantages.I don't have to dress up(as in wear nice formal clothes) comb my hair,wear makeup etc.I can lounge in baggy comfortable clothes and read my books,eat my meals and potter around in my half food balcony garden(where there is hardly any space for me to stand).

Unfortunately one cant live like a hermit in a big city and its only natural that from time to time visitors(uninvited and invited) do drop in.Today is one such day.The guest in question are not guests in that sense,they are close relatives except that one part of the family is of a different nationality.Now i have promised to provide dinner and then my problems began.The foreign part of the family cant handle too much spice,the children either so the green chillies have to be limited.However the large majority loves spice so what exactly am i to do.In the interests of good manners and good Indian hospitality we defer in favour of the minority so the food will be fairly bland,the house will be spruced up and the setting formal and there will be desert(never served in my house with any meal).

Which brings me to the next part of my thinking.We always manage to defer in favour of the minority and i cannot understand why.So when vegetarians come home for a meal we always ensure that no meat or fish is cooked at home for at least twenty four hours lest the smells upset them.When children come we pull out all the little things we have by way of entertainment(and we have very little as this house is child proof).We have chairs and sofas,when we would actually like cushions on the floor and mats,but we might have elderly people come over who would find it difficult to sit on the floor(the elderly we know cant even climb stairs so there is hardly a question of them visiting) and so on we go making concessions as we go along.Today is one of those days and i still cant figure why my house cant have that untidy but lived in look(after all they are family) and why do i have to look presentable and why do i have to bring out the best china.Actually if i ask myself that question....well no one asked me to do anything out of the ordinary but i choose to do it because somewhere there is an unwritten rule that says its must be done this way.....oh well this is where i wish i could be a hermit and be left alone....do i really?hmm its a thought

The Tube

We grew up in a pretty simple world,not much competition and a simple childhood(we actually had a childhood).But by the time I got to be older the world had changed and become competitive,one had to have all kinds of skills to just survive.I always thought of myself as being pretty good with directions.I can find my way around most places and even if i get lost I will eventually return to the right place thanks to some questions to passers by.Unfortunately having lived in India all my life,I am used to asking people for directions so besides knowing that the sun rises in the east and sets in the west,i am pretty clueless on directions.Now god forbid the sun is high in the sky,then i would probably think south was north and west was east(and that would be pure guesswork).So there I was in England,expected to master the tube in a matter of minutes.To start with I had a tube map(everyone had one) which was sponsored by IKEA so the ad for the company was large and the map itself must have been one point size something.That is the first challenge.I wear reading glasses so they come on only when i need to read something which is maybe a book or two but certainly not every two minutes.So there I was hunting inside my out sized bag for glasses and the train arrives.I have no clue where the train goes so give it a miss.Now the one thing one must learn is directions.All tube trains are westbound or east bound etc(you get the picture).Well its pretty simple when one understands it but faced with the decision to go west or east and you had me in a fine pickle.Without the glasses,i couldn't find out the stations.And there are no people to ask,and if they do hang around they look rather surprised that such simple questions need to be asked.Now i must admit that there is a lot of information.One one gets to the station the routes are clearly printed on the board so its just a matter to getting oriented,except that in my panic the brain slows down and i loose all logic so search at random for my station and therefore my route.Once one is on the train they always announce the stations and the map is on the sides of the cabins also.Unfortunately we are not used to maps or directions,we are used to asking and talking.Finally i sat myself in the corner of the tube station,took ten deep breadths and found the glasses and the station,the route and the directions.I can tell you what a great sense of achievement I had just getting into the right train.It was a 30 minute journey and i couldn't share my happiness with anyone.Every passenger on the train is either wired to an iphone,and ipod or are buried deep in the pages of the london paper,the metro or some book.The silence is deafening.Finally I arrive at earls court station.Now here is the trick.This station is a place to change for the district line,the circle line and so on.Now the circle line is interesting,its a circle like its obvious so whatever ones destination,one will reach it either by the east bound or the west bound except that one route will take longer than the other.Basically its one big circle so the station one wants could be just anywhere on the circle(i like this line but it has limited usage).Now here i was having to change trains.My choice was two trains with just a stop away but i was standing there in this crowd and couldn't figure out which platform.(lots of changes at this station so its busy and everyone rushes around and it had loads of escalators and plenty of platforms).Now i cant deny that i am Indian so i look around(to hell with the map) and spot an old English man with a newspaper in hand.He could be my grandfathers age so i go up to him and ask for directions.Well he is rather sweet but no time to talk as there is a train getting ready to leave and he tells me its mine,so a quick thank you and i am off.One would imagine that that settled it.Well not quiet.Unfortunately I am challenged when it comes to following instructions.Secondly i have a mind like a sieve so nothing stays there.Now my friend of some 20 odd years know this well and she drew a map added telephone number,address etc and put that into my handbag some few days ago.Now once again after i arrive at the station,I realise that i know the road but this is england,and every house is identical. In India its easy enough to identify a house but here its like looking for a needle in a haystack unless one know the door number.I know that the house is a basement flat but so are all the flats.The wise thing would be to call but as luck (or is it just me) should have it my phone runs out of charge so cant call.The map(i had as is to be expected) had been forgotten so i didn't have the number,The phone booth was there but i didn't have the change and the queens currency is also in one point size so the search for glasses etc will happen,so i did the wise and Indian thing to do.I start walking.Now i know I am on the right road,i also know i have to pass one street(i remember this because its named after some chap in literature so i can recall).I cross that road and i also remember the house is on my left so i cross over to the left and then i stop.Now i am lost and this is england and this is central london and this is a residential area so there is not a soul around.But as luck would have it,one lone man came out of his house.So i go up to him and explain that my phone doest work and that i need to use his phone.He gives me a suspicious look (dark skinned woman demanding to use telephone,means danger at least in that country)makes sure i don't cross another step and gets the phone.Now i must admit that the man looked like a decent sort and i did hear a child yelling inside the flat which is why i choose to ask him.Finally the man smiled (he had reason to).I was standing a door away from my friends place and yes the man is question was their neighbour so after much thank yours,I ran into the friends flat.Think about it at the end of all this I did master the tube,I did learn to read a map and to know directions(I can only tell east or west in England)and best of all,my friend actually found out who her neighbour was(considering that in five years she hadn't a clue who he was).Now that's what i call learning...

Midsummer madness

They say that ones holidays are defined by ones experiences.We always do things differently,not for us the packaged tours(we do do those occasionally) but we explore and wander and take in the place,which is what we did in England,except that we got a lot more than we bargained for.

Lets start with the heatwave.We went from 40 degrees in madras to escape to the so called cool of London and as we stepped out on to the London soil, we were happy to be there and glad to be so well prepared.Unfortuanately the English are not very well prepared for heat.We on the other hand had only never really seen the sun set so late either so we realised that long after the empire perished, the sun sets albeit late on Britain.

The heat wave saw some of the more adventurous brits take off as many clothes as was decently possible and lie in the sun,sadly for them,instead of a good tan they look more like overcooked lobsters.We on the other hand were being burnt to a cinder,despite the heavy load of sunblock lotion.So much for colour.The underground or tube,is not air conditioned and is designed to hold heat to keep the harsh winters at bay so in a heat wave it’s a slow roasting oven.No ventilation but the British don’t turn a hair.The bus drivers quiet like us,are so used to using heating that they forget to switch if off in a heat wave so baking continues(we do this with the air conditioner).Imagine 33 degrees in a country where the sun shines low.The sun can do funny things like heating up the cold engines so our bus packs up(the heat got the engine) somewhere in the countryside.We get a replacement double quick and in the time specified which is ten minutes(very efficient the British are and most apologetic that one cant be angry with them)The rules however are strict so the driver cannot work for a certain number of hours at a stretch so we are given a half hour tea break in order to make up some law that makes it legal for them to drive on.

We are by then impressed with the discipline and the punctuality of these people, and the fact that they always give you enough information or in some cases more, like for instance announcing every station before the train arrives, asking us to mind the gaps between the train and the platform (like we cant see) and one has to be rather stupid to get lost or do anything silly.

Just as we get used to the trains and buses running efficiently,our train to Scotland is announced but the air conditioning is not working,we groan collectively but the gods hear us and it cools down so things are not so bad.However on our way back the train is late by 35 minutes.Now we behave like true English people and get all hot and bothered at the delay.They of course apologise and try and make up the time until the driver decides to keep his window open and the flies get him(that’s the excuse when the train stops at York and refuses to move).Now we all know that flies don’t bite but well he is bitten and cant drive.We cant understand.If that was the case we would never drive a single day as we are constantly being bitten by mosquitoes in our country but this is England and despite his hands being free he is too traumatised by being attacked by flies.We are too surprised and the husband actually asks the guard if he can help drive the train(you see he is becoming rather English and offering his services)

Back to the tube and yes you guessed it,the trains are held up,the heat you see has got everyone and the engine hot and bothered so we wait and then the huge surge of people has us almost believing we are on a Bombay train and not the tube.Get off at station for bus home and there it is again,the bus is not on time,the temperature is still at 33 degrees and the island is literally going to pieces.This I believe is what is called midsummer madness and so we see this first hand.I should soon start to behave like the mad hatter in Alice in wonderland but that is another story.

London learnings

It takes a holiday to end for one to realise what it all meant.For me it was a time of no responsibility,a time to see place that I had only read about.It was in someway like watching a movie after reading the book.Lovely but missing in some ways.Perhaps I ought to have refreshed my memories a bit,or even read up my literature or history before I left.Felt strangely inadequate.Its different when one is totally ignorant so the saying a little knowledge is a dangerous this couldn’t be more true.I had in effect forgotten almost all that I had read over the years.It came back to me when at oxford the guide recited “cats” and I realised that I knew the words.Or for that matter when the south African woman and I recited the “bells of London town” together and we both realised we had forgotten most of the words.

Then there was the traffic and the crowds.We took the car(a very unwise thing to do in London even on Sunday) and made our way from Ealing to Covent gardens.We reached Hammersmith and were stuck in traffic for an hour,we waited near a traffic light in from of Harrods for thirty minutes(thanks to some sri Lankan tamils protesting about something).In Indian by now tempers would have been on the boil,everyone would have cut lanes leading to bigger delays(who cares we just have to think about ourselves)and we would have been honking like there is no tomorrow.In Britain there is a deafening silence.Not a soul cut lanes.We waited patiently till our turn came to move(we are not british,very Indian),not once did we press the horn(there was no need to,everyone followed the rules).There were no pedestrians cutting across the road(I must confess we did it a couple of times in less traffic places)and no one swore at eachother.This is discipline,this is the quintessential English politeness that really gets me.The entire city is wired by camera,there is simply no question of breaking rules as the chances of getting caught with evidence is a hundred percent.Its part of their lives,they don’t question it.Could we do the same in India?.I think not.I tried it in a short trip of about a kilometre from my home and found that I could have killed a pedestrian, got hit by a bus and run over by a car (a bigger one than mine) and my hand had to be constantly on the horn.

Finally we arrive at Covent gardens.There are milling crowds but the only sound is that of the street performers.People talk in low voices and we automatically lower ours (the husband finds this a bit of a task but does so nevertheless).Not for them the shouting and yelling like some of us do.But then again there are more tourists than local people but we all fall in line.Its pretty amazing.

The English politeness is something else that gets me.Walk into any shop and be prepared to be greeted with “hello”.Its just one of those things,please and thank yous are also common place.Its nice to be so well mannered.The shop assistants are helfull,they don’t crowd you like they do in our country,one can shop at ones one pace and no one asks questions.If I did want clarifications they were all very well informed.I came to India and went shopping.No hello and when I did say thank you,I got stared at funny.So much for good manners.

The things I loved about England have to be, beautiful countryside, silent traffic and good manners.Just for that I could go back again and again.

History in a little time

My dilemma about Scotland continued and I couldn't make up my mind if Edinburgh was important or if a whiskey tour was better.Having watch all the episodes of the thirsty traveller i was dying to do a whiskey tour(i cant stand the stuff and wont drink it if its the last drink standing) bu as i toss it around in my head(these tours are miles away and need planning) the husband(as usual) has taken the decision to see Edinburgh(not a bad decision as i was to find out)

We set off by the first train and by now there is a steady drizzle and we are richer by one umbrella bought at Wimbledon.By the time we reach Edinburgh the rain is pouring and the sky is dark.I am in heaven.This is what i came to england to see and thank god its happened.We step off the train and head for the tourist information,book ourselves on a hop on hop off tour and buy ourselves our next umbrella.All red tartan and all we are ready to hit town.I must say that when one reads harry potter,or Walter Scot or even Robert burns and sees this place....well,I could be the next J K Rowling if i stayed in this place believe me.Its old,quaint,spires,castles,palaces(one is larger than the other) and narrow cobbled streets.We set off to our first stop the hollyrood castle.Its small and was the home of Mary queen of Scots.Now that woman had style i must admit,with her french background and in a dreary place like this its not surprising that she warmed up the palace with her style and took on more men than any english queen would dare.So much for hot french blood that the poor thing was beheaded by non other than her pale english cousin.I must admit I have a soft spot for Mary.

Our next stop is the palace also belonging to Mary,but being used by the present queen.Much of the furniture is still there as are the tapestry and the dinner sets(i loved the bone china and the delicate flowers etc)The views from the windows are fabulous.The thing to note is that the beds are rather small,but i am guessing that they were meant to be that way.

The drive from the palace to our next stop is full of history.The present square is where public hangings were carried out,the grass market is full of tents selling all manner of things.The little pub where the harry potter series was penned is cashing in on the publicity.The writes corner has many writers that one has read in the past.The whiskey shops are a dime a dozen offering a whiskey experience(total rip off which we realised just in time).The many posh places are full of history so we have the many places that provide food for the palace and which the queen endorses as we have pubs and taverns that date back to hundreds of years ago.The whole place looks like a medieval city with the modern world having passed it by and therein lies its charm.Our last stop is the royal yacht Britannia.The venue for many of the queens travels and the many honeymoons of now defunct marriages,this is one a museum and so well kept its truly a must visit.On three levels,it is filled with stuff of the royal family and the walk on the deck with the sea flowing by makes one feel that the ship is actually moving.As always i simply had to use the royal toilet so that done(i could write a thesis on english toilets by the end of my visit)we head out to the mall and look around and head back to stirling.We haven't done many things like the underground walk,the ghost walk etc but we have just one day and had to be happy with the main attractions.And by now i am in love with Scotland