learning

I have had a lot of learning's this past week and suddenly I am pretty proud that I am still able to learn,still stay strangely innocent in a world where childhood,teens and adulthood are no longer separate stages in life or have each of them got shorter and seems that way.
For instance I went of work in Jeans.That was a first.Never done this but the world around me had changed dress code so what was I doing in my salwar kameeze?.Its pretty liberating to feel like one is back in college,and maybe somewhere my mind will do a flip back to some radical thinking like I did all those years ago.
I also discovered this new community of friends with benefits...for the uninitiated this is not about watching out for the gas man by friendly neighbours,its not about leaving your pet with friends while you holiday.This is simple,a relationship with no commitment,just sex on demand.I think that kind of sums it up.Interesting because by definition friends means commitment on way or the other so that didn't quiet ring true.Secondly these are communities of people who are perfectly sure of what they are getting into and most of them are pretty young(at least by my standards).They are all well aware that the heart may play to a different tune but they control their hearts so that's fine.It opened my eyes to the new age.I think this did exist in some form or the other in the hippie days but now its a norm among the young and restless.I marvel at their control over their hearts,their emotions.
I stop to wonder why for me those walks on the beach,roses and old fashioned chocolates,discussions on books and holidays and stuff like that was what I considered benefits.
I also learned to talk to people twenty years younger than me and stay connected.Its like starting over.I learned to lower my standards to suite the current situation,I am learning that peoples values have changed and while I don't have to change mine,I need to understand the change and deal with it.In between my black and white and grey world,there is a tinge of blue.Like I said I am getting a first hand lesson in emerging sociology and I am still discovering.Do I like what I see and hear?...well does it matter as long as I am aware of the changing world and lean to live in it.

This too must pass

For me December is the cruelest month.Its the start of the end of the year,another ending as a prelude to yet another beginning.Mixed with happiness and sadness,both existing side by side.This December started like all others,except that that heavy sadness that envelopes me (despite the parties and the Christmas spirit) was missing.Its been too busy.
Well into the third week,and the sadness is all prevailing,news of loved ones passing on,the burden of having to break the news to old parents,the psychological handholding that needs to be done,its all taking its toll.I hope to wish it all away but its there,real stuff,cannot be avoided.The closer to Christmas and the sadness continues.
I have already attended two Christmas parties.Laughter,the spirit of Christmas good food and great friends,I enjoy myself,sing all the carols,laugh and enjoy myself and then it happens.This cloak of sadness deepens and wraps around me tighter.Its always there like a constant companion,despite the fun.
The Christmas tree is not up yet,after nine years,we want a new one.The annual Christmas party is still on the drawing board,despite friends telling me they are looking forward to it.Its the highlight of our year.It always has a friend from out of town and a few new people always but like all years the party will materialise at short notice.The apathy this year is killing.
A new job,meeting new people,new cities,travel,all this is what makes life interesting.It all that I wanted out of life and now its all here and I don't need it anymore.
This is a strange phase,its almost like being two people.One the party animal ready for any outing with friends,the other this brooding person.
Like some thick thunderclouds that clear suddenly to expose bright sunshine,I wait....black clouds always pass and this too shall pass.