oh mother mine

Yesterday i read an article on mother daughter relationships and it made me examine my own relationship with my mother.As a child i had very little to do with her especially as a school child.I routed all requests through my eldest sister who was babysitter for most of them time and seemed to be in control.She also knew all the right buttons to press when it came to the mother (continues to do so even today).When the sisters left home i had no choice but to deal with her myself.My teenage years were spend stealing her red max factor lipstick(i used to mix it with coconut oil to make lip gloss which because it was forbidden,was ever so attractive)arguing with her on choice of clothes and what hairstyle i chose to wear.My mother was strict and opinionated in my opinion so the arguments never stoped.My friends and i learnt to break every rule without her finding out (in the days of no email and no cell phones this was no easy task as co ordination took time)In college i was left largely to myself but once i started working it was fine.She unfortunately was always viewed as a food provider,middle man to deal with my father and general care giver,I probably love my mother to bits but we are a family that doesn't express these things at least not verbally.Over the years i have fought my mothers case.My father being the dominating one ,i felt that she as a woman was not appreciated and this led to constant run in with my father.My mother for some strange reason or not so strange considering her upbringing,believed that the only way to combat loneliness was to get married have a few kids and that she believed was the way to do it.After all when one is old the children and grandchildren will be around she says.Never mind that the children except for one are never around but for her life is bearable because my sisters visit from time to time,the grand children drop in from time to time and these are for her probably the happiest times.That's when she laughs (she rarely laughs in my presence but neither do i).Over the years,I seems to have become a bit obsessed.Because her health is such a concern i police her all the time,i seem to come across as impatient and a constant nag.Yes she can leave the kitchen in a mess but her food preparations are so good that one can forgive a messy kitchen.My mother is a hoarder,she will squirrel things in the fridge and forget about it for years,so i clean the fridge when she is sleeping and throw away stuff.She has a cupboard full of sarees that never get worn and all kinds of other things.How does one deal with a parent getting old and loosing control.The roles reverse,I take on the role of commander in chief and she is so careful not to upset the balance.She checks with me about things to do and i find that hard.I still want my mother to take charge,i want her to run my house and do stuff she did before but this is what i have to learn to deal with.It teaches me patience i hope and in return i hope i don't get into the mode that a lot of my friends get into,where love and caring are shown by our constant nagging and yelling.Are we just to scared to face our mothers getting old and frail....yes it is and for those of us who live with it day to day its a traumatic experience but something we will look back on fondly and be glad for our times together.And so to another day when I have managed to throw away a lot of the rubbish that the fridge had,and to out high tension breakfast of appam and stew and a lot of appreciation that my mother will have an opinion about the way i cut onions or the way i talk to my maid,but honestly what would the house be like without her....i hate to imagine

net working

Networking,its the buzz word in the corporate world,it really means that you scratch my back and i yours,so every time we meet someone,we size his up as a potential contact for some favour or the other.Now this networking thing comes very easily to men and to some woman,especially if you are the ambitious kind.Of course its amazing how much value it has in the superficial world we live in today.Now take someone like me,who is ambitious but in my own way and I have managed pretty well so far.Yes there is the joke that I know someone or the other in the city so chances are that I bump into them sooner than later.The fact is that most people who know me are also persons in their own right and they for some reason see me as someone they would like to know.Now for me it ends right there.I simply cannot imagine using their contacts to get things done.Now here is where my shyness vs my networking skills comes in and i end up with a big zero.Its worse when i am not in the corporate world,so there are people who call and ask if i can speak to this one and that and I for the life of me cant do,simply cant get myself to doing it.Am i being foolish?.Of course I am,i will not survive in this cut throat world of networking and working out of home.Its something that i need to work on but tell me how does one change ones personality now in the twilight years of my life.When i quit full time work,my cell phone stoped ringing and i was delighted.I could forget it existed and it suited me fine.The husband has quit full time work and his phone never stops ringing.He is networking and loves it.Sometimes the networking will extend to someone I know and i cringe at the thought of having to call but i must learn to do it.Its probably the most difficult lesson in life so far,but someone said that when we stop learning ,we stop living and i guess i would like to live a few more years so learning here i come,slowly but surely

Eleven years

Eleven years is a long time in this day and age to stay married and we seem to be close to accomplishing this near impossible task.Today's newspaper talked of a young 20 something jumping off the fifth floor because she was denied a cigarette (life is that inexpensive today),another young couple were ready to call it quits because the recession was taking its toll.All around me the signs of recession is alive and kicking and its toll on marriages is scary.Unfortunately it seems to be affecting the young upwardly mobile couple who seem to have it all,house,car,cute baby,double incomes(until recently),life style as defined by blackberry,pup visits,eating out and getaways.So what keeps the 40 somethings like us stay together.Don't we have problems,don't we have fights?.Of course we do.The husband and i have been fighting and arguing over the silliest of things for the past eleven years and for some six years before when we thought we were friends but could fight to kill each other.Of course over the years,the quality of fights (like everything else in the world) has come down.Now we actually give in and agree (which I must admit is a tad boring,nothing like a good fight to release stress I would say).There are no gifts now,(being at home means there is no requirement for perfume,clothes etc)no eating out(since I discovered my culinary talents)but our house is always filled with family and friends and everything that we like.After eleven years we don't need conversations,the husband is glued to tv and  yours truly is content with books,cooking and reading(all done in separate rooms so as not to disturb the quality of our pursuits).Its enough to know that the significant other is a shout away.We still do vegetable shopping together(its nice to have someone carry the bags)Our driving roles are reversed but not without the constant lesson on good driving skills that the husband insists on giving,to which I have learnt to turn a deaf ear and when the monologue gets too much I step on the gas and the husband is reduced to silence and gets his voice back only when we reach home.To the young people of today we may come across as staid,uninteresting and lacking in life but we never in these eleven years (during the worst of times) felt the need to dump each other for a better life.We had all or more of the problems that most couples face but maybe it was good parenting on our parents part,maybe it was the fact that everything we own we had to work hard for,maybe its the fact that in a relationship with so little conversation,we still managed to communicate and understand and maybe just maybe we have got some of our priorities right.Not to be judgemental but in today's world everything is about speed.Get richer faster,grow faster,dump faster and jump around jobs,relationships and everything else.Sound so exciting and so full of possibilities but where does it all end.....something the best things in life come slowly and to wait for it is the best part of living.There is not going to be flowers,chocolates and moonlight tomorrow,more likely it will be dirty washing,watering plants,veggie shopping and some quality time in the kitchen but that's happiness and after eleven years I couldn't ask for more