Fear is the key

I live in a constant state of panic and fear,not the visible kind but deep down in the core,there is a fear,Its irrational at times because I live in constant fear of loosing my mother,watching her suffer and worse not being able to do anything.Does this keep me on my toes,well it does and I constantly check to see if she is breathing,In fact I have been doing so since I was a child and I wonder if its just a habit that I cant break.

 

Yesterday the fear took a real turn,there I was working out at the gym and suddenly there was that little voice telling ,me that all is not well so I dash out and reach home.I watch my mother for a few hours to find that she is not focused and is being rather vague and disoriented,then she cant sit up.My first thought is a stroke,quite similar to what happened to my dad,they are not sure how to explain.Then practicality takes over and I in good faith shove some sweet horlicks down her throat and give her food and make her seem better.Its my moment of intense terror.I don’t want to have to deal with this.Added to the fact that I shouted at her for non cooperation and was feeling guilty.She seemed a lot better but I am still scared.Did the dosage go wrong did I do something to create this situation,the thoughts are endless.It leaves me tired and exhausted and I wish once again that I didn’t have to handle all this alone.

 

Of course I then went on to action mode and ordered blood tests and got the phone fixed and I will live another day but the feat never goes.Even my flowers and garden wilt with my fear,Will I ever get over it or will I always live in fear of loosing people.Strange are ones fears

The indian election result

I spent almost all of May 16th glued to the TV set (something I last did when the US elections were on).At the end of the day or rather in the middle,I was as surprised as I was when the US election result was declared.Did I ever believe that a black man could be president of the US.Well it happened.I voted and hoped the congress would win a resounding victory.The other parties had no agendas.The few local parties had demands that were so self serving that any self respecting person could see thought the fact that all they cared about was themselves and no one else(perhaps we must be thankful for their honesty)The BJP is stuck with a temple that is more millstone than agenda and all the pro Hindu and anti minority seems to have kicked in,till finally the Indian public decided this was on the way out.To have a stable government is to have governance.The good economist need not hanker after pleasing the demands of all and sundry and for the fresh faces and the education that the congress collectively has,am I glad we finally have people in power that can get on an international stage and not embarrass us.Am I glad that cast and religion and the petty divisions have been given a good and deep burial and I am glad to know that the people who lost are in do doubt that they lost.This is what a good election result is all about.A lot of people have been talking of Advanis secular credentials and how he had to bow to party pressure.Give me a break,is there no such thing as principals.A man who can resurrect Ram,a temple and create communal violence is no secular at heat.If power means giving up what you believe in then these   are not the people to be leading the country.I am delighted with the result and hope that this whole issue of caste and religion disappear from the Indian polity once and for all.