Traffic Sense

Some twenty years ago I bought myself a bike not knowing how to ride a bicycle this was quiet an achievement.I learnt to ride it though after many a fall and bruise till I was pretty sure of myself on the road.It was a bit battle scared by the time I was ready to trade it in for a car.I have been driving the car now for over 10 years and haven't had too many mishaps except during the int ital years.But over the years I have learnt a few home truths especially if you live in my part of the woods.Its came home to me this morning when I had to pick a scrap with a young chap who simply refused to move out of my way despite being parked in the wrong place.So for the uninitiated here are a few ground rules to negotiate traffic in this country.

1.Before you leave home and get into the car make sure that common sense,courtesy and good manners are locked in the cupboard.Replace this with loads of aggression,stupidity and a total disregard for fellow citizens on the road.

2.At all times make sure to park in front of someones gate.(parking spaces are few and far between so grab the place and never mind if the people who live there have an emergency or simply need to go out and take their car with them,remember you have left common sense at home)

3.If someone has parallel parked in a designated parking space,make sure to park just behind them,switch off your engine,take the key and disappear for hours on end (chances are that the nice person who parked the right way is left stranded not being able to take his car out thanks to you,but remember he ought to have left good sense at home)

4.If anyone flashed his lights at you on the road,don't give way,drive on like you haven't seen a thing after all you need to get to your destination and to hell with what the other guy wants.

5.Make sure you always overtake from the left (in this country we drive on the left) and never mind that the person you are trying to overtake doesn't see you.

6.Make sure that if you want to turn to the right you don't have to be in the right lane.Do all of the above and cut across from the far left of the road at breakneck speed and leave the poor drivers on the right side either too shocked to react or dead in the bargain.

7.Indicators must have been the fancy of some automobile designer but they don't really serve any purpose so don't bother using them after all you will still be overtaken if you did.

8.Put your headlights on full beam as soon as the sun sets,this will make the driver on the opposite side blind but do you care?

9.The red light at the traffic signal ....well if you must you could stop but if your in a hurry just hurtle across the light and be gone

10.Make sure you honk all the time and as loud as you can,remember most people wont hear you or couldn't care less.

And if after all this you want to park your car,remember designated parking is for the foolish.This is Madras,this is India,learn to live by the rules you set.

Am I being funny and irresponsible?Well after having been subjected to all of the above on the roads of this city I am not sure who issues driving licenses nor am I sure where people learn to drive.Honestly some of the biggest offenders are the so called well off educated types with fancy expensive cars so am I surprised that the rest are not far behind?