Suffering

Waiting for someone to fall asleep is hard. More so when the person is hooked up to a machine and is in distress. Worse when it is someone you love and can't imagine doing without. I spend my nights in a hospital room watching my mother swing back and forth . We are still not sure what to do. All we do is wait...and endless wait . I am tired but this is not about me,it's about my mother and the quality of her life. What do you wish for a woman who has had a hard life?. Is it asking too much that she must meet her maker in peace and suddenly or must she suffer the indignity of a hospital bed hooked to multiple machines,with no respite from medication ,injections,and lab tests. Isn't it enough that her children are around to help. Isn't it enough that much has been done to make he life comfortable and that the end must be peaceful. What is the point of so much suffering. Life must in due course bring pain and suffering butt modern science seems to have made a fine art of keeping people alive through technology's though knowing very little than before. In times gone by people live and died without the aid of hospitals or medical science. As a ripe fruit falls to the earth when it's time has come,we did that too,dying in peace with our families around us,happy in the knowledge that we are loved.

My uncle died at 97 without seeing the inside of a hospital,another friend is hundred and one and is sleeping more than he should but is not suffering. He hasn't seen the inside of a hospital either. What did they do different. What did my mother do to have to go through all this pain. Is there a purpose to all this. If so I can't see a reason. My elder sister has gone through three such incidents and is a little more familiar with the routine. Being a calm person she seems to deal with it better. My second sister has had only one experience and is so anxious she makes everyone around her nervous too. But that is her way of coping with the situation. And there is me. All my life I have lived with my mother or she with me. Our lives are entwined with each other's. She knows my every mood and I know her. No one seeing me will imagine the storm raging in my soul. I pray,I rage but it's all internal. The pressure to hold it all together is getting the better of me. Ofcourse it's a lot easier this time because there is support in abundance but I can't see this day and night I can't see the end and I can't see how we will cope with this situation. My faith fluctuates swinging like a pendulum. I am tempted to give God my shopping list,but I know he's not interested. He know what I need and will provide. Don't for a moment think I am asking for my mother to live forever. I am realistic enough to know that she has to leave some day,but can't she do it easier?...couldn't she have had a fever or something as unserious. How do you deal with a lung collapse of a woman who has not had a cold in years.

I can feel my heart racing I can feel my blood pressure rising. I know this is not about ,me but a I feel her pain. Every laboured breath is like it's mine. Every distress sign is mine. The monitor mocks me all night throwing up numbers that can rise and ebb with equal measure. I sit through the night watching her sleep,praying silently that she must rest. I fell like the criminal with Jesus on the cross who asked if "you are the son of god why don't you save yourself and us". I feel angry that she has to go through with this. In a country of billions of people human life has little value and medical science is a billion dollar or more industry. It is expensive...critical care is expensive,home nursing is expensive and we are at the mercy of large businesses. Falling ill isn't just about the suffering of the person concerned. It's also about not having decent infrastructure to heal or to offer palliative care. So unlike countries where people's dignity is important or quality of life is important,here we just keep things going. 

When will all this end and how will it end. A family history of bedridden siblings haunts me. Each one of my mothers siblings have had painful prolonged suffering. What did they do to deserve it I cannot understand. My fathers siblings didn't suffer too much but he did. His end was painful but certain. My mothers suffering is not in the same category. It's neither here nor there. We could take her home. We can make her sit or walk. We can do all that but only with the aid of an oxygen mask. We are not medical professionals,we have zero nursing backgrounds so what do we do. How much care can we give,will we give her a decent life or one of a mere existence. Questions a plenty but no answers in sight. And so we wait and watch and suffer with her....until God in his heaven decides what to do